As she lay awake listening to the muted whirring of the air conditioner, she did not know how to wake up tomorrow and face a new day. It was not just another day that she would be dealing with. It was a day when she would not be carrying her baby around the house anymore. She would not be talking to her precious one, would not be singing songs and telling stories, would not be complaining about the unfinished chores, would not be discussing recipes, like she had been doing for the last two months. They had become the best of friends – she and her baby. She had not seen it yet, had not felt it, but she knew it was there, deep inside her, growing every day, and with it grew her dreams.
She remembered the day they found out they were going to be parents. It was a week past her expected menstrual days. There was still no sign of the usual symptoms she would be having every month. Instead, she felt an uneasiness, a heaviness; she had no hunger, felt lethargic, and generally had a tired feeling all the time. She thought it was because her periods were late. Then one evening as she was watching TV, she saw the advertisement for some baby soap. Suddenly something dawned on her. She gasped and stood up. Grabbing her purse, she ran to the elevator of her apartment building.
Just outside the gate was a drug store where she usually went to get some pain killers and syrups. At the counter, she could not get her words out partly because she was panting and partly because of excitement. Somehow she said she wanted a pregnancy test kit, paid for it, and ran back to the apartment. Once inside, she tore open the cover and went through the instructions on the carton. It said the best urine sample was the first one in the morning. She couldn’t wait till the next morning. She decided to test it now and then. As she waited for the lines on the tester stick to show up, she looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. “Is it happening?” she thought closing her eyes. Then, when she looked at the test result, her heart skipped a beat. There it was! Two clear lines. Two lines that changed her life forever.Tears trickled down her cheeks. She was a mother! There was a life within her.
Since that day she had been floating on a dream. All her thoughts and actions now focused on her baby. Every time she went shopping she bought something for the new member of the family that would arrive soon. When they were alone in the apartment, she started talking to it. Whenever she had food, she asked the baby if he/she liked it. When she threw up in the morning, she touched her tummy and said it was ok, she would be fine. Even her husband was amused when he saw her talking to her belly.
Now, with her miscarriage, all that is gone. Her baby is gone. The pool of blood she found herself in two nights back was the end of everything. She shuddered at the thought of that fateful night when she woke up from a nightmare feeling all wet and breathless. A shapeless bloody stain on the bed sheet made her scream. Then everything went blurry. She lay on the back seat of the car and the lights of the night sped past her just as the lights of her life burnt out inside her tummy. She was only half conscious. Still she saw the face of her doctor seriously talking to her husband who was also crying. Every time the doctor mentioned the word miscarriage, something burst inside her. Her baby was going away forever. Her dream world shattered that day.
Crying silently she walked to the balcony. The doctor had said that this happens to a lot of first timers and that she will be fine in a few days. She knew she will have another child in due course. But, this will always be her first baby. She can never forget how the baby had filled her world with hope and happiness. How they had lived a life together, however short it had been!
‘My baby, I never saw your face. I never got to hold you, kiss you, and see you grow. You came into life like a dream and left like a dream. A dream that never realized. But, you will remain the most precious gift I ever got. For others you were not born, but for me you were already there in my life. No one can replace the void you have left within me.’
She closed her eyes and cried into the silent chilly night. She didn’t realized when sleep took over her!
